We’re All Going To Die

Well, folks, it looks like I won’t be having that surgery after all. Why? Simple. The world’s ending.

I mean. Never mind the fact that we’ve heard all this before and it wasn’t true, conspiracy theorists promise that this time it really will end.

They say this every time, but apparently learn nothing from it.

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Pictured above: The only sane reaction.

How is it going to happen this time, you ask? Nibiru!

 

Again.

 

It’s supposed to happen on the 23rd of September(which, oddly enough, was supposed to be the end of the world two years ago as well), and the evidence for the apocalypse is as follows:

On the 23rd, a sign will appear that matches Revelations 12: 1-2:

And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pains and the agony of giving birth.

Cheerful, isn’t it? Anyway, supposedly the ‘woman’ will be represented by the constellation of Virgo. ‘She’ will be ‘clothed with the sun’ due to the fact that on the 23rd, the sun will be in Virgo. The sun already spends about a month out of each year in each of the Zodiac constellations, so this isn’t unusual by itself, but there’s more to be said in that department. For another thing, the moon will also be in Virgo, aka ‘moon under her feet’, Jupiter will be in Virgo(I’m guessing that this is supposed to represent the pregnancy, but what do I know?) and finally, Leo(with nine stars) and Mercury, Venus, and Mars will form the ‘crown of twelve stars’.

Unfortunately, Leo is just a grouping of stars picked out by men. Some depictions have extra stars, so as usual in telling the future, much cherry-picking is required.

And this lovely arrangement has happened before, as well… four times in the last millennium.

But if that’s not enough evidence, allow me to refute the ‘biblical’ evidence with a plain and simple verse that those caught up in this theory appear to have overlooked–Matthew 24:36.

But concerning that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only.

You wouldn’t think that would be hard to understand, but hey, if some Christians want to believe that they know something that is stated quite clearly to be known only by God–well, I guess that’s their problem, not mine.

Let’s just add a little reminder here that the first time someone decided that she wanted God’s knowledge, well…

Her name was Eve and I’m pretty sure we all know what happened next.

In short, feel free to keep planning your life out, people, I don’t think there’s going to be much of an issue.

And if the world does end, I’d prefer it to wait until after Christmas. Maybe New Year’s Eve. Everyone’s counting down and then the world ends. NO NEW YEAR FOR YOU.

See, now that would be a great time for the apocalypse.